Tuesday, August 7, 2012

This is Why I'll Never be Skinny

From time to time, I find myself motivated to get into shape. This usually occurs after watching an action movie where some super hot actress clad in all-black spandex spin kicks 10 villains in the head followed by 3 back flips while a bus explodes two feet away from her, you know, for dramatic effect. 

Through some form of self-delusion, I convince myself that if I commit to working out daily and eating healthy, her powers of badassness will transfer to me and I too will look just as hot in skin tight spandex. I run to the mirror to see exactly how far I have to go to attain the same level of bodily perfection.

Thus begins the 60 day get-in-shape cycle.

Day 0: After determining that my stomach could double as a jelly donut and having a complete emotional meltdown, I swear to myself that I will get in shape and eat healthy.

Day 1: I start strong. My motivation is at its peak. Inside my head I have my own overly peppy cheerleading squad rooting me to victory.

Day 15: Around this time my brain chemistry begins to change as the endorphins released from exercising create an addiction-forming euphoric high I could have never imagined. My ego explodes.

Day 25: I step on the scale and am pleasantly surprised to find I've already lost 10 lbs. I tell myself I'm such a badass, I'm already 2/3rds of the way to my goal. Basking in my own splendor and assumed infallibility, I decide I can conquer the world. This is when my demise begins.

Day 30: My motivation begins to falter. I hit the snooze button on the alarm. For 4 hours.

Eventually I wake up in a puddle of my own drool. 

Day 35: I find myself torn between resisting temptation and being a total lard-ass.

The lard-ass wins out. I decide to have a piece of cake, but just this once.

As the cake comes into view with all its frosted glory, I'm overcome with sheer desire. Something twitches in my brain and I lose the ability to control myself or eat like a civilized human being.

Day 36: I step on the scale and see that I've gained a pound. Filled with guilt and regret from eating dessert, I sulk around the house the rest of the day.

Day 40: I find it increasingly difficult to stay motivated.

Day 45-55: Sick of eating mostly vegetables and tofu for the past month, I decide to cut myself a little slack and allow myself to eat a very, very small amount of sweets.

Day 56: I try desperately to regain the momentum I've lost, but the damage has already been done. My heart is no longer in it.

Day 59: As I near the end, it occurs to me that I might not have lost as much weight as I'd hoped. But then I think about all that exercise I did, and I shake the thought away. I saunter up to the scale brimming with confidence.

I peer down at the scale expectantly.

I've somehow managed to be back at my starting weight.

I wonder in amazement how things went wrong.

Day 60: I decide to set a new goal.


  1. The story of my life! [:-(

  2. Haha! YES!! This is *exactly* the cycle, only it's a little shorter for me and usually ends with a cupcake from Sugar Mama's (like right now they have their version of a Hostess Cupcake filled with REAL whipped cream and topped with dark chocolate ganache. How can I *not* eat those? It's just rude not to!)

    1. Just ate half of a cake for my birthday! And I didn't even bother with the exercise this cycle. Day 1-45 were pretty much the day 30 action non-stop.

  3. Haha, I'm on Day 4, I should be hitting the Day 30 wall sometime tomorrow.

  4. Same. Exact. Thing. Sigh, it will go on the rest of my life, I am sure of it. It'd bad cause you lose muscle then gain fat when we do it this way or something stupid like that. "They" say we are better off just to stay, instead of going up and down. Bigger sigh....Why is cake so good? And pizza? And mac n cheese? And bacon....
    VERY funny drawings! Love it! This is my first time reading. Ill be back, after cake.

    1. OMG! Don't forget the cheese. Cheeeeesssseeee! And ice-cream. The greatest invention ever. Sorry Edison, but electricity comes in second.