This is Why I'll Never be Skinny

From time to time, I find myself motivated to get into shape. This usually occurs after watching an action movie where some super hot actress clad in all-black spandex spin kicks 10 villains in the head followed by 3 back flips while a bus explodes two feet away from her, you know, for dramatic effect. 

Through some form of self-delusion, I convince myself that if I commit to working out daily and eating healthy, her powers of badassness will transfer to me and I too will look just as hot in skin tight spandex. I run to the mirror to see exactly how far I have to go to attain the same level of bodily perfection.

Thus begins the 60 day get-in-shape cycle.


Day 0: After determining that my stomach could double as a jelly donut and having a complete emotional meltdown, I swear to myself that I will get in shape and eat healthy.

Day 1: I start strong. My motivation is at its peak. Inside my head I have my own overly peppy cheerleading squad rooting me to victory.

Day 15: Around this time my brain chemistry begins to change as the endorphins released from exercising create an addiction-forming euphoric high I could have never imagined. My ego explodes.

Day 25: I step on the scale and am pleasantly surprised to find I've already lost 10 lbs. I tell myself I'm such a badass, I'm already 2/3rds of the way to my goal. Basking in my own splendor and assumed infallibility, I decide I can conquer the world. This is when my demise begins.

Day 30: My motivation begins to falter. I hit the snooze button on the alarm. For 4 hours.

Eventually I wake up in a puddle of my own drool. 

Day 35: I find myself torn between resisting temptation and being a total lard-ass.

The lard-ass wins out. I decide to have a piece of cake, but just this once.

As the cake comes into view with all its frosted glory, I'm overcome with sheer desire. Something twitches in my brain and I lose the ability to control myself or eat like a civilized human being.

Day 36: I step on the scale and see that I've gained a pound. Filled with guilt and regret from eating dessert, I sulk around the house the rest of the day.

Day 40: I find it increasingly difficult to stay motivated.

Day 45-55: Sick of eating mostly vegetables and tofu for the past month, I decide to cut myself a little slack and allow myself to eat a very, very small amount of sweets.

Day 56: I try desperately to regain the momentum I've lost, but the damage has already been done. My heart is no longer in it.

Day 59: As I near the end, it occurs to me that I might not have lost as much weight as I'd hoped. But then I think about all that exercise I did, and I shake the thought away. I saunter up to the scale brimming with confidence.

I peer down at the scale expectantly.

I've somehow managed to be back at my starting weight.

I wonder in amazement how things went wrong.



Day 60: I decide to set a new goal.